[Way to hit him in the guilt, Dazai. Not that Dazai knows it's what he feels guilty over, but details.
And if Dazai is going to stand right there, then Ango is going to take advantage of the situation and thunk his forehead down on Dazai's shoulder. Only Dazai gets to see this side of Ango, so he should feel special.]
[If Ango weren't stretched so thin from lying for four weeks, he might have pulled back there. He had no right to lean on Dazai like this, not after everything that had happened. But he is tired and lonely, and in that moment of weakness he reaches up to wrap his arms around Dazai in a hug.
It's a comfort he doesn't deserve, but he needs it.]
[ It's a hug. It's an actual hug. In the recent years he has had only one actual hug besides this one, and that was from Rean before Dazai ruined things there.
He's not sure if it makes it more painful or not knowing that in the near future, something will happen that will destroy this. But at the moment he can't really bring himself to think about it because this feels warm. Lifting his other arm and pausing for a moment longer before he slides it around Ango as well, making them fit closer together. ]
[It's warm, it's firm, and yet it's soft at the same time too. Ango isn't really one to hug people, and it's been a very, very long time since he's been close enough to someone for any kind of physical contact at all. He'd never known he was a touch-starved man until that moment, but now it seems all too obvious. Shutting himself away from everyone was what made him so lonely, and yet he didn't know how to stop.]
It's going to be alright.
[And yet he'll even set aside those immediate needs for Dazai's sake. That's his devotion right there: he doesn't want Dazai to worry, so he says words of encouragement when he's the one who really needs them.
Maybe if he says them enough times, he'll start to believe them too.]
[ With what he knows that is happening in his time, he isn't so sure that is true. He can't see himself as the same person Ango has eyes for in the future. ]
You're the one who needs those words.
[ His voice comes out normal as he closes his eyes. Leaning in his own head against his friend's. ]
Ango. You should talk to someone.
[ He knows it's not going to be him. They never had that kind of relationship before and from the sounds of it, they never will. ]
And who am I going to talk to, exactly? Nobody here is trustworthy except you, and maybe Rean or Seteth.
[And he's not going to talk to either of them for Reasons. Rean, because of his mess with Dazai and Ango doesn't want to step on toes. Seteth, because he has so much more going on right now and doesn't need more burdens.]
[ LBR, Seteth would probably welcome a distraction beyond now all of China knows you're a dragon ]
It'll be better to talk to them before I try to use that guilt against you.
[ He's been holding off because it's Ango. He's always been soft with his friends, but between the fact that Ango is going to run so far from him in his current time, and that there's something in his future that's big enough to make him leave the Mafia...
[ He is afraid because the largest presence in their shared lives has been missing in the information Ango has shared. He doesn't want to know what that could mean and he doesn't want to play with the idea of what would get him to leave.
There's a quiet laugh at Ango's words though. Lifting his head to look past Ango. ]
I have thought about it. [ A beat. ] You're right though. If I were to use logic, simply being friends wouldn't be good enough. But it's why I wouldn't do that to you or Odasaku.
[ Dazai was fed a diet of using logic, but... Ango and Odasaku were the illogical part of his life. Rean was in that place as well. ]
at the same time, man is drawn to death. Death is endlessly consumed by men in cities and in literature. It is a singular event in one's life that none may reverse. That is what I desire.
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no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 02:22 am (UTC)He will encroach Ango's space once again. Reaching around him to put the gun down on the desk and staying close. ]
You would probably prefer it if I was a cat. You could keep me close that way.
[ There's another pause, as if he's weighing something. ]
She still has two people she can use against me here, but she hasn't. I think she targets specific people with her motives.
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 02:37 am (UTC)She probably was trying to get you with that first one, if that is the case.
[And yet he makes no effort to push Dazai away. Does he want to be close? Who knows.
He's also not responding to wanting to keep Dazai close, so.]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 02:51 am (UTC)She probably got a lot of people with that one, which is why I didn't take it.
[ He knew someone would protect what matters most to them. ]
That and I knew Odasaku wouldn't be an easy target. He's not someone anyone wants to piss off.
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 03:02 am (UTC)And if Dazai is going to stand right there, then Ango is going to take advantage of the situation and thunk his forehead down on Dazai's shoulder. Only Dazai gets to see this side of Ango, so he should feel special.]
As terrible as it sounds, I wish he were here.
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 03:13 am (UTC)It takes him a bit longer before he actually responds as he looks up at the ceiling. ]
I do, too.
[ Maybe it wouldn't feel as lonely here if he was around. Odasaku, the only one he can count on not to leave him completely... ]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 03:16 am (UTC)It's a comfort he doesn't deserve, but he needs it.]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 03:34 am (UTC)He's not sure if it makes it more painful or not knowing that in the near future, something will happen that will destroy this. But at the moment he can't really bring himself to think about it because this feels warm. Lifting his other arm and pausing for a moment longer before he slides it around Ango as well, making them fit closer together. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 05:33 am (UTC)It's going to be alright.
[And yet he'll even set aside those immediate needs for Dazai's sake. That's his devotion right there: he doesn't want Dazai to worry, so he says words of encouragement when he's the one who really needs them.
Maybe if he says them enough times, he'll start to believe them too.]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 05:49 am (UTC)You're the one who needs those words.
[ His voice comes out normal as he closes his eyes. Leaning in his own head against his friend's. ]
Ango. You should talk to someone.
[ He knows it's not going to be him. They never had that kind of relationship before and from the sounds of it, they never will. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 06:03 am (UTC)[And he's not going to talk to either of them for Reasons. Rean, because of his mess with Dazai and Ango doesn't want to step on toes. Seteth, because he has so much more going on right now and doesn't need more burdens.]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 08:03 pm (UTC)It'll be better to talk to them before I try to use that guilt against you.
[ He's been holding off because it's Ango. He's always been soft with his friends, but between the fact that Ango is going to run so far from him in his current time, and that there's something in his future that's big enough to make him leave the Mafia...
It's been tempting. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 11:38 pm (UTC)[And part of him thinks Dazai might be afraid of what the truth might be.]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-05 11:55 pm (UTC)There's a quiet laugh at Ango's words though. Lifting his head to look past Ango. ]
I have thought about it. [ A beat. ] You're right though. If I were to use logic, simply being friends wouldn't be good enough. But it's why I wouldn't do that to you or Odasaku.
[ Dazai was fed a diet of using logic, but... Ango and Odasaku were the illogical part of his life. Rean was in that place as well. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-06 03:32 am (UTC)Still, he finds his grip on Dazai tightening ever so slightly.]
I'm being selfish here. I don't want anything to change.
[And yet he won't be able to stop that change. Even if he keeps his secret here, eventually Dazai will go home and live it for himself.]
no subject
Date: 2020-02-06 04:22 am (UTC)You must have really missed me.
[ It's been said before, but he still finds it surprising. Especially since Ango was the one who ran. ]
If we retain our memories here when we go back...
[ Things may have already changed. ]